


doing too well (how could i prt 2)

by sunsetveins



Series: i think you can tell [2]
Category: All Time Low, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Bonus Content, Cheating, Depression, Drug Use, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Kinda, M/M, Morning After, Multi, Overdosing, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Wakes & Funerals, because alex has those, but it will feature, i'm just gonna tag stuff as the chapters go, or there will be anyway, there is an actual sequel tho, this is a sequel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-04 21:25:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10999302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetveins/pseuds/sunsetveins
Summary: He's fairly certain a drunken mistake is all he'll ever be anyway.or, the bonus scenes of "how could i explain myself"





	1. the vegas mistake

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to the bonus chapters
> 
> first up is the vegas mistake ft. William Beckett

_“how could I explain myself” – the bonus scenes_

 

Jack wakes up with hair in his mouth and an elbow lodged between his ribs. This, in itself, is not unusual. He wakes up more often than not this way, which should really say something about how he lives his life. Nothing has exploded because of his way of living yet, though, so he thinks he’s probably doing alright. 

He doesn’t count that one time when he accidentally blew up the microwave first thing in the morning after waking up from a long night of partying with Brendon Urie. That never happened, no matter what Alex says to contradict him.

Speaking of, Jack should probably call Alex. He doesn’t remember much about the night before, but he knows that Alex left early and told Jack to contact him once he’d woken up so he could come and get him. They were in Vegas and Jack really didn’t want to spend his night in Vegas sober like the rest of his band, so Alex said he’d pick him up from wherever he ended up.

Jack isn’t sure if he should be happy that Alex trusts him not to get himself into major trouble or if it should hurt, but he thinks he’s leaning towards the latter.

Whoever is next to him groans before Jack can even begin to try and remember where he left his phone. He expects it to be a stranger when he turns his head to look.

It isn’t.

It’s William Beckett.

Jack may or may not scream. 

 

-

 

The first thing William does is throw up.

Jack thinks, if he wasn’t so horrified, that he’d be offended. However, Jack is almost certain that he’s slept with William Beckett and that’s almost enough to make him throw up as well.

“Oh my god,” William moans. “What have we done?”

Jack gulps, mouth unbearably dry. 

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” William mutters, raising up from where he was hung over the side of the bed. He wipes at his mouth and squints his eyes at Jack.

“I need to go,” is the first thing Jack thinks to say.

William reacts immediately by grabbing Jack by the wrist. He grips tight, features set and angry. Jack goes completely still.

“We’re figuring this out, Barakat. I just cheated on Gabe.”

Jack tilts his head and asks, “I thought you were in an open relationship?”

“What?” William snaps.

“With Travis?”

It was something basically everyone knew, but no one talked about. Jack had never thought that the assumption could be wrong. 

Now that he thinks about it, though, he doesn’t know why he ever considered it to be true in the first place. It had always been word of mouth. Maybe he should rethink a lot of things.

“No? Where the fuck did you hear that?” 

Jack shrugs. He doesn’t remember where he’d first heard it. He just remembers always thinking it was that way. That was just simply how it had always been. Maybe the drunken nights and days were starting to blur together in a way that made everything seem like it had just always been, or maybe he just didn’t pay enough attention.

“You know what? Just – fuck that. I don’t care. I just cheated on Gabe.” 

“Could be worse,” Jack says, trying to be amusing. “We could’ve gotten married.”

There’s a brief moment where they both stare at each other intensely, suddenly terrified to look at their hands.

“You don’t think,” William trails off. 

“There’s no way that we did,” Jack denies.

They raise their left hands slowly.

“Oh thank god.” 

Jack is kind of mildly disappointed, if he’s being honest. That’s before he remembers just who he could’ve married in a drunken one night mistake, but he’s disappointed all the same. He’s fairly certain a drunken mistake is all he’ll ever be anyway. 

“You think we could leave this here, in this room, and just never talk about it again? Or am I reaching?” Jack asks hopefully. William shakes his head.

“No. I have to tell Gabe. It wouldn’t be right for me not to. He deserves better than that.”

“Should I go ahead and change my name then?” Jack jokes. “Bet I could be out of the country before you even finish telling him.”

“No,” William says, “I don’t think he’ll blame you, anyway. This is my mistake. You haven’t betrayed anybody. You were just out to have a good time. I should’ve been more careful. I knew I had someone waiting for me at home.”

Jack flinches and hopes William doesn’t see it. He knows that he was only telling the truth, but it stings to hear it out loud. Jack has never had anyone waiting for him at home. The closest he ever got was Holly, and that was toxic before it ever started. It was never real. He always only ever wanted Alex. Maybe that’s the problem.

“Oh, I’m sorry, dude. I didn’t mean it like that.” William looks a little heartbroken for him, and it has the opposite effect then what Jack’s sure William was going for. If he didn’t feel like shit before, he certainly does now.

“Don’t worry about it,” Jack says, shrugging. 

“No, Jack. Really, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it how it probably came out. I shouldn’t have said that. I know how you feel about Alex and it was wrong of me to say something that insensitive.” 

It’s funny, almost, how everyone seems to know how he feels about Alex aside from the one person Jack wants to know. 

“Seriously, Bilvy. It’s fine. I’m fine.” Jack wishes he could make himself believe his own words like William seems to.

“If you’re sure,” William says, hesitant. 

“I am. Now, you go talk to Gabe. Forget this ever happened. I’m going to call Alex. We’ll go our separate ways and mutually never think about this ever again, alright?” 

“Right. Okay. Hey, Jack?”

“Yeah?”

William puts a hand on Jack’s knee and squeezes. “It’ll work out for you. I promise. Don’t give up on Alex yet, okay?”

“I couldn’t even if I wanted to,” Jack replies. It’s probably the most truthful thing he’s ever said aloud about Alex. 

“Good. I’ll see you soon, Jack.” William grips his knee one last time, then he gets up and takes his phone to the bathroom. 

Without even bothering to call Alex, Jack finds clothes and leaves the room entirely. He won’t burden William more than he has already. 

-

He finds his phone in his shoe once he sits down outside of the hotel. Alex picks up after one ring.

“Hey, Lex. Come and get me?”


	2. come out of this happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’ll never forgive himself. He’s not quite sure how anyone else will ever forgive him either.

Alex is numb. 

Maybe there were feelings once, and maybe they could’ve been summed up as pain, but they’re lost to him now. Just like Jack is. Just like Jack will be for the rest of Alex’s life.

Lost. Gone. Dead.

Logically, Alex knows that he isn’t really numb. He can feel the cool air fanning against his damp cheeks, the throbbing of his red eyes, and the ache in his knees from Zack’s hardwood floors. He can feel, he knows that. It’s all pale in comparison to what’s happening inside of his mind, though. His physical feeling could never overshadow the hollowness in his bones, the pure sense of loss causing his heart to take residence in his throat. 

He has lost Jack forever, and he knows that it’s his own fault even if no one else will admit it. He lost Jack, hurt him beyond what he thought he could take, and then put him to bed as he slowly faded away. Away from Alex, away from the people that loved him, away from life and all that it could offer. Alex let him do that. He let him die. He put him to bed, he didn’t see the pill bottle, and he let Jack Barakat fucking die.

He’ll never forgive himself. He’s not quite sure how anyone else will ever forgive him either.

Zack does, though. He doesn’t understand it, but Zack doesn’t blame Alex for anything. It infuriates him, because Zack trusted him and he failed him. He should hate Alex. He should’ve thrown him out the fucking window just for daring to breathe near Jack the night before. He shouldn’t forgive him for something so awful, for a mistake that Alex can never fix. 

Their best friend is dead because of Alex, and all Zack did was hug him.

He got down on his knees beside of Alex, and he hugged him. 

He hugged him for seconds, minutes, hours. He spent an eternity with Alex in his arms, just staring at the bed where Jack’s body had been before they had taken him away. He never once let go, not until Alex made him.

And when he did make him let go, all Zack did was whisper in his ear.

“It’s not your fault, Alex. He wouldn’t want you to blame yourself. He thought he was doing this so you could be happy. Don’t take that from him, okay? Be sad today. Be sad for the next month, if you need to be. But someday, be happy. Be happy because that’s what he wanted for you. Come out of this happy, brother.”

The words echo in his ears long after Zack has risen from the floor and left him there. He doesn’t believe he’ll ever be happy again.

 

-

 

He stumbles into his house three hours later and collapses onto his couch. He buries his face into the cushions and closes his eyes, fighting to keep himself from falling apart more so than he already has. This isn’t about him. He doesn’t deserve to cry. 

A moment after he starts trembling with the effort, Lisa lays a hand on his back. He flinches.

“Alex?” she asks. Her voice is kind and somewhat confused. 

He turns to look at her. Her mouth falls open when she sees his face.

He supposes that maybe he looks just as hollow as he feels. He hopes she won’t blame herself when he tells her. It was never her fault that Alex didn’t realize the difference in his love for her and his love for Jack. 

His hands shake at the thought. Jack.

“What happened last night, babe?” Lisa asks, running a hand through Alex’s sweat soaked hair. He wishes that he loved her like he should. She deserves better.

“Jack –" he begins, voice failing him. He licks his dry mouth and tries again.

“He’s, um. Jack is – uh. Jack is gone, Lisa.”

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, he starts sobbing uncontrollably. It _hurts_ , is the thing. It shouldn’t, because this is nothing compared to what he put Jack through. Alex doesn’t have a right to be hurt, but he is. Losing Jack _hurts_ like nothing has ever hurt before. 

His chest is throbbing and he can’t breathe around his own sobs. He’s choking, and he thinks maybe the cool pressure on his face is Lisa’s hands, and maybe that ringing in his ears is her voice, but he can’t think. All he can hear is screaming. 

It takes a second, but he realizes when his throat starts burning that he’s the one that’s screaming. 

It’s maybe minutes later when he’s calmed down enough to breathe without Lisa showing him how, but it feels like hours. She’s sat on the table in front of Alex, her hands running up and down his arms. His head is in his hands, elbows rested on his shaking knees. The room is spinning around them, Alex thinks. Rooms aren’t supposed to spin.

“I love him,” Alex whispers. The words linger in the space between them. 

“I know you do,” Lisa says. “He was your best friend. Of course you love him.”

Alex starts laughing, and it’s somewhere between hysterical and choked. His hands drop from his face as he curls his arms around his stomach. 

“I don’t think you understand,” Alex says, shaking his head. He’s crying and his voice is croaky. Laughter is still coming from his mouth, except now it’s wet and Alex can’t breathe through his nose. He realizes he probably looks like he’s gone mad. Perhaps this is what it feels like to be broken.

He wipes his nose with his sleeve and runs his hands over his face before he looks her in the eyes. He’s not going to be a coward. If he’s going to break her heart, he’s going to be a man about it. She deserves more.

“I’m in love with him. I’ve always been in love with him.”

He watches her face change, going from confusion to understanding. Sadness to heartbreak. Concerned to angry.

Alex wishes he could find it in him to care like he should. Now that he’s gotten it out, though, all he feels is drained. 

She’s angry enough for the both of them, anyway. He can’t say that he blames her.

 

-

 

Her bags are packed by around midnight and she’s screaming at him. He had screamed back at one point in the evening, begging her to just leave him alone, but that had earned him a smashed vase and her throwing the engagement ring he’d bought her at his chest. Ever since, he’s found himself content to just stare blankly and listen to her screams. 

Her anger is entirely justified. Taking it is the least he can do. 

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to hear her say that she hates him, to listen to her beg for an answer that he can’t give her. Why did he propose if he was in love with Jack? Why did they always get back together when they broke up? Why hadn’t he done the right thing for them both? Why didn’t he ever leave her for him?

They’re all good questions. He wishes he knew the answers to them. He wishes Jack was just a phone call away to help him figure them out. 

He isn’t, though. So Alex just listens to Lisa scream.

 

-

 

The screaming stops when Josh and Tyler show up. He wasn’t expecting them at all. They weren’t even really close before all of this.

It’s a comfort anyway. He thinks they need him as much he needs them. 

He won’t lie, though. There’s a surge of anger that pulses through his veins when Tyler figures out that Jack had texted him the night before. Zack had told him that Jack had texted people. He hadn’t wanted to know what he’d said to any of them. He knows it was a good call when Tyler reads the texts to him, because there’s a tiny part of him that wants to blame Tyler even though he knows it wasn’t his fault. It’s drowned out by his own self-hatred and the look of misery in Tyler’s eyes when Josh snaps at him. 

He knew he’d feel this way if he’d read through Jack’s phone. He knew he’d begin to place blame where it didn’t belong, and that he’d always wonder why Jack hadn’t texted him instead. He’s grateful now that he didn’t read them, that he only knows of the texts he’d sent Tyler, and that he found out with Tyler right in front of him. Seeing him is enough to wash the urge to blame him away. 

It’s Alex’s fault. Blaming anyone else would be unfair.

 

-

 

Vic and Kellin arrive early the next day, and Alex hasn’t slept at all. He’s listened to Josh and Tyler arguing all night, and Tyler sobbing to himself for most of the morning. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Jack passed out on the bathroom floor. If he kept them closed for too long, the scene changed to him trying to wake him up the next day. His eyes always flew open before he could remember how cold Jack was when he touched him.

Because Vic is one of the best people Alex has ever known, he immediately pulls Alex into his arms and doesn’t let go. For the first time since the morning before, Alex lets himself cry. He doesn’t sob, doesn’t break into millions of unrecognizable pieces like he’d done in front of Lisa and Josh and Tyler. Instead, he just lets himself cry. Lets the tears soak into Vic’s shirt while he holds on as tight as possible. He doesn’t make a sound, not like the loud and wretched noises he’d made when he had called Vic the day before. All he does is sniffle, burying his face as far into Vic’s neck as he can get. 

It feels good to cry. He’d gotten tired of falling apart. 

 

-

 

Hours later, once he’s settled into Vic’s side on the couch and staring blankly at the TV, he feels himself begin to drift off. He’s scared to fall asleep, but he’s exhausted and Vic’s arm is heavy and warm around his shoulders. He fights a losing battle against sleep, Vic humming a low tune that soothes the buzzing anxiety in his chest. He’s out before he even realizes, his muscles finally relaxing as Vic shifts so that Alex’s head is in his lap. He vaguely recognizes the feeling of fingers carding through his hair before he completely goes under.

He wakes up gasping Jack’s name an hour later, but he’s in his bed and Vic is right there with an arm around him as he begins to break apart again. There are no tears, only gasping and shaking hands. They work through it, Tyler bringing a glass of water in half an hour after Alex had woken up. 

He isn’t okay. He’s not sure if he ever will be again. He has a feeling, though, that maybe there’s a chance as long as he’s got friends like these. 

He doesn’t deserve them. He’s grateful that they think otherwise. Maybe he can get through this.


End file.
